Life as I knew it

I generally like change. New hair-do, opportunities at the office, or new cars. Some changes I don't like. Loss of a loved one, republicans taking office. You know the really bad stuff. After finishing my Ph.D. I wanted a change in my situation. Cancer wasn't what I had in mind, but this week it occurred to me that my life has changed and the chances that it will ever go back to the way it was are slim to none.

Some of the changes are, of course, not so good. When your stomach and bowel habits become a part of your normal conversation, that just can't be something anyone embraces with unadulterated joy. Preventing mouth sores, taking a daily temperature so you can ensure it doesn't reach the magic number of 100.5, drug-induced sleep are just a few of the realities that are now my life. Occasional bouts of grumpiness (OK my sister would probably say they are more than occasional, but I like to pretend that they're not) unleashed on people who obsess over stuff that really just doesn't matter.

There are positive changes as well. I feel free to more openly speak my mind without fearing consequences, of course that can lead to grumpiness (see paragraph above). I have learned about the great kindness of many people, and I have found that I relate to most of my old and new friends and family in different ways that somehow feels deeper and more meaningful. Being somewhat "helpless" and needing people has been difficult, but has shown me that, in the words of Sally Fields, "You like me; you really like me."

I still don't know what I want to do with my life when all this is behind me. As I try to focus on my talents and possibilities, I get distracted by the need for toast. Warm sourdough bread with unsalted butter and a glass of milk to stave off the unmentionable. As I said, there are a few positives.

April is the cruelest month

Or so says T.S. Eliot and this April, I heartily concur. So far this month the following has occurred: I got pneumonia, my college with through a grueling accreditation, I broke up with the first man I had been seriously involved with in 15 years, I got diagnosed with cancer, and I shopped for weeks to find the perfect evening dress and when it arrived, it didn't fit. And there's still 5 more days to go.