Dealing with stress

I've gone through the valley of the shadow of death and come out the other side. OK maybe that's a little dramatic, but you get the point. Everything seems strange and different and actually a lot has changed around me. I have a new home, a new regime is in charge at work, and I've made new friends and lost some old ones. In the past I had two methods for dealing with the stress: read Jane Austen or go back to school.

This is bigger than Jane so that leaves going back to school. School was a way of putting things aside. Yes, my life isn't so good now but I'll get this degree, certificate, doctorate, etc. and then my life will be better. It never was, but there was always the hope. Kind of like going on a really good first date. However, after finishing a Ph.D. going back to school seems anti-climatic. What do I do for an encore: another doctorate, a bachelor's in basket weaving, an M.D.?

Don't think I haven't thought about it. This is going to sound "sick", but doing my dissertation was one of the most exciting things I've ever done, so why not do it again? Actually there's a million and one reasons, but ultimately it isn't the answer I'm looking this time. I'm looking for a way to live my life right now, not prepare for the future. One lesson that I've learned is that getting a degree doesn't solve all your problems, and my walls are already plastered with enough diplomas.

I don't know the answer to my current miasma, and more importantly, I don't think I have to know right now. I'm searching and maybe I'll find a new path, a new adventure. At least I have a lot of fodder for my blog.

Setbacks

Several months ago I submitted a proposal to a conference. My chances of it getting accepted were slim, but I needed a goal. Well oddly enough it was accepted so now I am going to present at a conference this April in New Orleans. I've always wanted to go to New Orleans, and my thought was with that as a destination it would motivate me to get my strength back, as if it were up to me. Then last Sunday I woke up with a wicked sore throat that turned into a cold which ended up as a sinus infection, and I crashed for another week.

My friends warned me that with a compromised immune system and weakened lungs, I would be a target for every germ within a 100-mile radius. So, it was inevitable, because everyone I encountered the week before had a cold, was getting over a cold, or felt themselves coming down with one. While I suppose that makes sense, it wasn't what I had anticipated. I feel that I have lost a year of my life and am anxious to make up for that lost time, personally and professionally. But little setbacks keep cropping up that inhibit my progress.

I suppose I should be grateful for the progress I have made and believe me, it is substantial, but I know there is so much more to overcome. Right now, my first goal is to be able to walk 1/10 of a mile by April 6. That is the distance from my hotel to the conference site in New Orleans. The good news is that at its current rate of growth, I won't have to worry about messing up my hair. Well thats one thing off my mind.

The Spirit is Willing ... But the Flesh is Weak

Several years ago my friend and I started a New Year's tradition. We would each write down one thing we wanted to accomplish then gather round the fireplace and burn the slips of paper we had written on. The first year we did this both of us accomplished our written goals. So we decided to try it again last year but due to scheduling etc. we did it by phone and left out the burning part. Well, I think you know what happened to me last year (or else you haven't been reading this blog very closely). Oh, I might also mention that I did not have black-eyed peas on New Years day last year which according to my mother is a sure fire recipe for disaster. (BTW, I'm really NOT superstitious.)

So this year we got together, lit the fire, and invited a few friends to share the ritual. My first and most important goal is to get back some physical strength. I have so many things I want to do, so much time to make up for, I'm ready, willing and eager to get going. But, unfortunately, I just don't feel like it. Now there are those who say, "give yourself a break." After all, I am still suffering multiple side-effects from chemo and radiation, but somehow, my mind doesn't accept all this.

That is why when several painful skin lesions appeared this week, I was horrified. The radiology NP explained to me that patients still experience side-effects up to two-weeks after their final treatment. She even described the color of the ooze seeping from the lesions so that convinced me she knew what she was talking about. I want this to be over. I want as my sister quoted from Good Will Hunting to "let the healing begin." But my flesh is in control right now and whether I listen to it or not, it goes about its merry way doing what it wants.

So for a few more weeks, I will bury myself in front of the TV and lull myself to sleep with fantasies of striking it rich, so that I can pay someone else to get me into shape.

The Party's Over

Well, I guess it wasn't a party actually, but as of this week, I am no longer receiving treatment for cancer. On the last day I cried a lot. Whether they were tears of joy or just plain exhaustion I can't say for certain.

I feel as if my life has been on hold for the last 8 months and now I want to dive back in, but I don't have the energy. It's hard to generate enthusiasm for the mundane tasks of daily life, and some things just don't seem to matter anymore. Classes begin on Monday, and faculty are writing me today to complete tasks that I know for certain can wait until the weekend is over. Previously, I would have dropped everything to do whatever came whenever, but today, I just don't care.

Perhaps in a few months my energy will return and once again I will spend every free moment keeping up with email from the office, but deep down, I don't think so. I want to enjoy life for a while and be with friends and family, find new ways to highlight my eyebrows, you know, the important stuff. But mostly, I want to feel good again and get back my strength and stamina. And then, I want to figure out what I want to do with the next few years. Two years ago, I was spending my time finishing my Ph.D. Last year, I was spending my time dealing with cancer. Now I need a new project. Something that will engage me as much as doing my dissertation but without the subsequent diagnosis of breast cancer.

I don't know yet what that is or even how I will find it. Part of me is anxious to make up for lost time, but the other part of me realizes that I need to recover before taking on any Herculean-sized projects. So for now I will continue watching mindless T.V., reading mystery novels, and looking at my elliptical trainer and thinking about getting on it. Yes, it's a wonderful life. Really it is.

A departure from our regularly scheduled program

For those of you who have heard me sing, you would be probably be surprised (horrified is more like it) to know that as a teen I not only sang in the church choir but was in a trio. What's more, I also played the piano and at times even the organ (very badly but they were desperate). In addition to my trio, there were men's quartets, duets, soloists who could actually sing, and various other ensembles that uplifted and inspired. (OK you know I had to do it: Unlike the pop tunes and praise choruses that pass for music today in church which is why I attend the service that has no music. Sorry, rant is over.)

The person who made all this music happen was my friend and hero, Theola. She led the choirs, organized and practiced with the groups, accompanied the singers, all with dignity and calmness. She was a strong woman in an age where women who were leaders were few and far between.

I write this for her because she is one of my regular readers and today is her 90th birthday. I want to thank her for her readership, her friendship and her prayers. But mostly I want to thank her for being a role model and for the music whose memory I still cherish.

Happy Birthday Toadie!

New Year

Today officially starts a new year. Last year at this time I had a man in my life and had just earned my PhD. I had assumed that my life would change, and it did, only not in the ways I had imagined. I am still trying to process what has happened and figure out where my life is going.

In fact, I don't want to just hop back on the same merry-go-round and get back to life as usual. I am forever changed, and I see things through different eyes. Eight months ago I just wanted to know whether I would survive and whether my eyebrows would fall out. Now, I want to seek out new experiences that will help me to continue to grow as a person; I want to help people in the ways I was helped; and I want to find value in what I do for a living. It's not much.

Yesterday, I picked up my mail and found a letter from a Ford dealership. I haven't owned a Ford in six years but inside was a check for $185, the result of a class action suit, the details which escape me. I took it as a sign and deposited it immediately before anyone realized they'd made a mistake. This year would be off to a good start. It's almost time to get my eyebrows waxed and now I've got the cash to do it. Happy New Year to us all!