The Spirit is Willing ... But the Flesh is Weak

Several years ago my friend and I started a New Year's tradition. We would each write down one thing we wanted to accomplish then gather round the fireplace and burn the slips of paper we had written on. The first year we did this both of us accomplished our written goals. So we decided to try it again last year but due to scheduling etc. we did it by phone and left out the burning part. Well, I think you know what happened to me last year (or else you haven't been reading this blog very closely). Oh, I might also mention that I did not have black-eyed peas on New Years day last year which according to my mother is a sure fire recipe for disaster. (BTW, I'm really NOT superstitious.)

So this year we got together, lit the fire, and invited a few friends to share the ritual. My first and most important goal is to get back some physical strength. I have so many things I want to do, so much time to make up for, I'm ready, willing and eager to get going. But, unfortunately, I just don't feel like it. Now there are those who say, "give yourself a break." After all, I am still suffering multiple side-effects from chemo and radiation, but somehow, my mind doesn't accept all this.

That is why when several painful skin lesions appeared this week, I was horrified. The radiology NP explained to me that patients still experience side-effects up to two-weeks after their final treatment. She even described the color of the ooze seeping from the lesions so that convinced me she knew what she was talking about. I want this to be over. I want as my sister quoted from Good Will Hunting to "let the healing begin." But my flesh is in control right now and whether I listen to it or not, it goes about its merry way doing what it wants.

So for a few more weeks, I will bury myself in front of the TV and lull myself to sleep with fantasies of striking it rich, so that I can pay someone else to get me into shape.