The Party's Over

Well, I guess it wasn't a party actually, but as of this week, I am no longer receiving treatment for cancer. On the last day I cried a lot. Whether they were tears of joy or just plain exhaustion I can't say for certain.

I feel as if my life has been on hold for the last 8 months and now I want to dive back in, but I don't have the energy. It's hard to generate enthusiasm for the mundane tasks of daily life, and some things just don't seem to matter anymore. Classes begin on Monday, and faculty are writing me today to complete tasks that I know for certain can wait until the weekend is over. Previously, I would have dropped everything to do whatever came whenever, but today, I just don't care.

Perhaps in a few months my energy will return and once again I will spend every free moment keeping up with email from the office, but deep down, I don't think so. I want to enjoy life for a while and be with friends and family, find new ways to highlight my eyebrows, you know, the important stuff. But mostly, I want to feel good again and get back my strength and stamina. And then, I want to figure out what I want to do with the next few years. Two years ago, I was spending my time finishing my Ph.D. Last year, I was spending my time dealing with cancer. Now I need a new project. Something that will engage me as much as doing my dissertation but without the subsequent diagnosis of breast cancer.

I don't know yet what that is or even how I will find it. Part of me is anxious to make up for lost time, but the other part of me realizes that I need to recover before taking on any Herculean-sized projects. So for now I will continue watching mindless T.V., reading mystery novels, and looking at my elliptical trainer and thinking about getting on it. Yes, it's a wonderful life. Really it is.